Humor Additions for Wednesday, May 7th

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Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

...and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Menachim, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.

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Eternal Truths
  1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
  2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
  3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
  4. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  5. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  6. If the shoe it in every color.
  7. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  8. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  11. Some days are a total waste of makeup.
  12. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  14. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  15. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  17. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  19. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
  20. Keep smiling, it makes everyone wonder what you've been up to.


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Visitor's Day at the Lunatic Asylum

It was visitor's day at the asylum. All inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria". They were singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the choir.

"I am a retired choir director" he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I am very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor............

"They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir!".

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May 5th Humor Page