Humor Additions for Friday, May 2nd

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A guy comes into a coffee shop & places his order...

He says "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights"

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights."

"What does he think, this is an auto parts store".

"No" the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up".

"Oh" says the waitress. The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires & headlights, that you might want to gas up".

Submitted by Debbie

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The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class...

...the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

When called upon the first student says "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said "Well that isn't entirely correct because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says "Grass is definitely green". Teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct".

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?".

The teacher replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion." The student replies, "Then I definitely pooped my pants".

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For all you Lexiophiles (lovers of words)
  1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
  2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
  3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  4. A backward poet writes inverse.
  5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
  6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
  11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
  18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
  19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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