Humor Additions for Wednesday, May 14th

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If I could, I'd enlist today and help my track down Saddam and his Republican Guard ...

... But, I'm over 40 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to pee). If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give" And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, to learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

These are all great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards in Iraq. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes...!!!

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Here's a quick explanation of modern military terms:
  • Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up."
  • Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small."
  • Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders."
  • Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs."
  • Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours."
  • Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"
  • Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"
  • Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"
  • An Asset is "something that can be blown up"
  • Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.

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Helpful hints ...
  • If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
  • Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!
  • Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
  • An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful, inexpensive vibrator.
  • Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.
  • High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
  • A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
  • If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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May 12th Humor Page