A little old lady goes to the doctor ...
... and says, "Doctor, I have
this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ...
although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
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The Complete Military History of France
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by
of all things, an Italian (Julius Caesar).
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost. Saved at last moment by schizophrenic teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The
First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars to the Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the
basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War - Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row
induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they
have loved every since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though
the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare:
"France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended
up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out
what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the
Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the
Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the
Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
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Estimates of the cost of a war with Iraq run
upwards of $20 billion.
Considering that the Republicans want to preserve recent tax cuts, how can we pay for this war? The answer seems obvious ...
March 5th Humor Page