Humor Additions for Monday, March 31st

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You know you’re a Southerner when...
  • You know the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
  • You know how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
  • You can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
  • You know exactly how long "directly" is _ as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
  • You know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
  • You know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
  • You know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real
  • crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
  • You grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
  • You know and understand the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
  • You never assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
  • You know that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
  • You know that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
  • You make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
  • You never refer to one person as "y'all."
  • You know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
  • You know tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
  • You say things like, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ,"
  • You say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it _ we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
  • You know that if you are with a couple of friends you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
  • You know you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Submitted by Vicki

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Those Funny Kids

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5_year_old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4_year_old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K_9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4_year_old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5_year_old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ....and into the hole he gooooes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Submitted by Andy

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March 28th Humor Page