Humor Additions for Monday, March 24th

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The Newest Medications For Women

  • Damitol -Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
  • St. Momís Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering her children unconscious for up to six hours.
  • Emptynestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
  • Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women...2 full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
  • Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of "blondie type activities."
  • Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
  • Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women...Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person can we get naked now?"
  • Buy-agra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping...Increases potency and duration of spending spree
  • Buy-one-al - When combined with Buy-agra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
  • Jackasspirin - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
  • Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
  • Sexcedrin - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
  • Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Submitted by Debbie

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One day, two snakes were slithering along...

...and the first snake bumped his head on a rock.

"Are we poisonous?" he asked the other snake.

"I don't know, why?" replied the second snake.

"Because I bit my lip."

Submitted by Marie, Dayton, Ohio

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Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil",...

...Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil ......we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil. Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Submitted by Vicki

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March 21st Humor Page