Humor Additions for Friday, June 20th

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A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to do. She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God for help.

An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But she was desperate, and thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.

She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car." He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "thank you so much .... You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud..... "Thank you god for sending me a professional!"

Submitted by Sister Wink, Yonkers, NY

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Comical Answering Machine Messages ...
  • "Hi. This is John. If you're the phone company, I already sent the money. If you're my parents, please send money. If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you're my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."  
  • "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."  
  • "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are   clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."  
  • "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist   suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

Submitted by Angela, Fairfield, PA.

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Insights on life from Jean ...
  • Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system.
  • "Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening"
  • "When in doubt...Do without!"
  • "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer"
  • "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months"
  • "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it"
  • "Children aren't happy without something to ignore, that's what parents were created for.
  • "To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target"
  • "There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse"
  • "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
  • Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Submitted by Jean

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June 18th Humor Page