Humor Additions for Friday, June 13th

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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous
  • "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
  • "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
  • "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
  • "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
  • "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney
  • "We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam
  • "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
  • "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
  • "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner
  • "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry
  • "And nobody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones
  • "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
  • "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx
  • "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
  • "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein

Submitted by Erika, Fairfield, Pa.

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Due to increasing products liability litigation,  the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
  • The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  • The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
  • The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
  • The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  • The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
  • The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
  • The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
  • The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
  • The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  • The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
  • the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, which provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time you think we should, you know, screw her?"

 The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

Submitted by Rendon, San Angelo, TX

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