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The Men's Dictionary ...
  • "I can't find it." - REALLY MEANS: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "That's women's work." - REALLY MEANS: "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
  • "Will you marry me?" - REALLY MEANS: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
  • "It's a guy thing." - REALLY MEANS: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "Can I help with dinner?" - REALLY MEANS: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
  • "It would take too long to explain." - REALLY MEANS: "I have no idea how it works."
  • "I'm getting more exercise lately." - REALLY MEANS: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
  • "We're going to be late." - REALLY MEANS: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
  • "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "That's interesting, dear." - REALLY MEANS: "Are you still talking?"
  • "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." - REALLY MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again."
  • "It's really a good movie." - REALLY MEANS: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars and naked women."
  • "You know how bad my memory is." - REALLY MEANS: " I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the VIN of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  • "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." - REALLY MEANS: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."
  • "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal." - REALLY MEANS: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
  • "I do help around the house." - REALLY MEANS: "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
  • "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing." - REALLY MEANS: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
  • "What did I do this time?" - REALLY MEANS: "What did you catch me at?"
  • "I heard you." - REALLY MEANS: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
  • "You really look terrific in that outfit." - REALLY MEANS: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
  • "I brought you a present." - REALLY MEANS: "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."
  • "I missed you." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
  • "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." - REALLY MEANS: "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "This relationship is getting too serious." -REALLY MEANS: "I like you as much as I like my truck."
  • "I don't need to read the instructions." - REALLY MEANS: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Submitted by Penny, Springfield, Va.

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Who Thinks these Product Labels Up?
  • On A Hair Dryer from Sears: Do Not Use While Sleeping
  • On A Bar Of Dove Soap: Directions- Use Like Regular Soap
  • On Swann Frozen Foods: Serving Suggestion- Defrost Before Eating
  • On A Shower Cap: Fits One Head
  • On The Botttom of a Tesco Tiramisu Dessert: Warning! Do Not Turn Upside Down!
  • On M&S Bread and Butter Pudding: Warning! May Be Hot After Heating!
  • On A Rowenta Iron: Do Not Iron Clothes On Body
  • On Infant's Cough Medicine: Warning! Do Not Drive Car Immediately After Consuming!
  • On Nytol Sleeping Pills: Warning! May Cause Drowsiness!
  • On Christmas Lights: For Indoor and Outdoor use ONLY!
  • On A Superman Costume: The Wearing of this Garment does not enable one to fly
  • On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.
  • On an American Airlines Packet Of Nuts: Directions-Open Packet, Eat Nuts

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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July 23rd Humor Page