The 18 Cardinal Rules of
Driving in Philly ...
- A right lane construction closure is
just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing
you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the
same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting
construction barrels. Bonus points are awarded for getting out
of your car and moving the barrels.
- Turn signals provide clues as to your
next move in the road battle, so never use them.
- Under no circumstances should you leave
a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, no
matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be
filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more
- The faster you drive through a red
light, the less your chance of getting hit.
- The car with the most extensive body
work automatically has the right of way (remember no-fault
insurance - he might not have as much to lose as you do).
- Braking is to be done as hard and late
as possible, to insure that your antilock braking system kicks
in; this will give you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the
brake pedal pulsates.
- Construction signs are carefully
positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you
pass the last opportunity to exit, but just before the traffic
begins to back up.
- The electronic traffic warning system
signs are not there to provide useful information, but just to
tell time and make Philly look progressive.
- Never pass on the left when you can
pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the
highway. Passing on the shoulder is encouraged - that's why
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures to
make Philly look as if it conforms with other state policies;
these are intended only as suggestions and are actually
- Just because you're in the left lane
and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a
driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can
go faster in your spot.
- Please remember that there is no such
thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on the Schuylkill
or anywhere downtown.
- Always slow down and rubberneck when
you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're
lucky, you may see the unlucky breakdown victim get mugged.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Downtown
Philly is the home of very high-speed slalom driving, thanks to
PENDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers'
reflexes and keep them on their toes. Parts of truck tires are
left on new highways (where potholes haven't yet been
established) for the same purpose.
- It is considered correct in Philly to
honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light
changes. Our city is founded upon such traditions.
- Seeking eye contact with another driver
automatically revokes your right of way.
- When in doubt, remember that all
unmarked exits lead to New Jersey.
- It's OK to back up along the shoulder
of the road if you missed your exit, particularly if it is the
Schuylkill or I95. This gives the other drivers a more
challenging "moving target" rather than those stationary
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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List of You Know Your From,
Little Sister's Jokes,
An Interview with God ...
"Come in," God said. "So, you would
like to interview Me?"
"If you have the time," I
God smiled and said: "My
time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do
you have in mind to ask me?"
"What surprises you most about mankind?"
- "That they get bored of being children,
are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.
- That they lose their health to make
money and then lose their money to restore their health.
- That by thinking anxiously about the
future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for
the present nor the future.
- That they live as if they will never
die, and they die as if they had never lived..."
God's hands took mine and we were silent
for while and then I asked...
"As a parent, what are some of life's
lessons you want your children to learn?"
God replied with a smile:
- "To learn that they cannot make anyone
love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.
- To learn that what is most valuable is
not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their
- To learn that it is not good to compare
themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their
own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis!
- To learn that a rich person is not the
one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.
- To learn that it only takes a few
seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it
takes many years to heal them.
- To learn to forgive by practicing
- To learn that there are persons that
love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show
- To learn that money can buy everything
- To learn that two people can look at
the same thing and see it totally different.
- To learn that a true friend is someone
who knows everything about them...and likes them anyway.
- To learn that it is not always enough
that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive
I sat there for awhile enjoying the
moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done
for me and my family, and He replied, "Anytime. I'm here 24 hours
a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer."
People will forget what you said. People
will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you
made them feel.
Submitted by Dr. Patty, Rigoes, NJ
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