Dating Rules for Overly Protective
- Rule One: If you pull
into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
- Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter
in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
- Rule Three: I am aware that it is
considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants
ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to
ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
- Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told
that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method"
of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
- Rule Five: It is usually understood
that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at
my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:
- Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a
popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
- Rule Seven: As you stand in my front
hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
- Rule Eight: The following places are
not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there
are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,
midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes are better.
- Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may
appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.
- Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It
takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the
driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you
should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face at the window is mine.
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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Jokes About Marriage, My Little
A minister, a priest and a rabbi
went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and
exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly
secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to
pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were
crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies
from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister
and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his
face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left, and the men got
their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi
why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about
you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.
Submitted by Dr. Patty, Ringos, NJ
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Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
Little Johnny asked his
grandpa how old he was ...
... Grandpa answered, "39 and
holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old
would you be if you let go?"
- One Easter Sunday
morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he
reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed
at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know!" a
little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
- The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now,
Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he
replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"
- "Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the
little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now
maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The
grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I
heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would
climb the walls if you came to visit."
Submitted by Kate, Charleston, SC.
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Sayings, My Little
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