Humor Additions for Friday, January 24th

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Grandpa's Words of Wisdom
  • Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
  • Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
  • Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
  • When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
  • If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
  • Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
  • On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
  • A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
  • The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
  • Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
  • Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 50th wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw," said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened 50 years ago?"

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md. 

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A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile. "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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Democrat vs. Republican In terms most of us can understand.

There was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch conservative Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare, a large benevolent government, and rich-to-poor tax equalization.

He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.

He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. She fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".

After a moment of silence, she replied, "I guess I will never vote Democrat again."

Submitted by Lisa, Libertytown, Md.

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Have a few laughs with some classic George W. Bush quotes!
  • "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
  • "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
  • "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
  • "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
  • "The future will be better tomorrow."
  • "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
  • "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
  • "Public speaking is very easy."
  • "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
  • "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
  • "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
  • "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
  • "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
  • "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
  • "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Jan 22nd Humor Page