Humor Additions for Friday, January 17th

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While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist ...

... I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1957."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked,

"What did you teach?"

Submitted by Judy, Fairfield, PA.

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Did You ever Wonder?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
  • these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
  • crisp which no decent human being would eat?
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
  • can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
  • to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  • Why are Trix only for kids?
  • If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
  • Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse?
  • Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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Words Women Use

  • FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
  • FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
  • NOTHING: This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."
  • GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
  • GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
  • LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
  • SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
  • THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.
  • GO AHEAD: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
  • PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
  • THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.

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Jan 15th Humor Page