Humor Additions for Wednesday, January 1, 2003

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One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana ...

... the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Standing on the shore, a Jewish lady watches her grandson playing in the water.

She is thunderstruck when she sees a huge wave crash over him. When it recedes, the boy is no longer there -- he had vanished! Screaming, the woman holds her hands to the sky and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not scrimped and saved so I could give to the temple? Have I not always put others before myself? Have I not always turned my other cheek and loved my neighbors? Have I not--"

A deep loud voice from the sky interrupts. "Enough already, give me a break!"

Immediately, another huge wave appears and crashes on the beach. And when it recedes, the boy is there smiling, splashing around as if nothing ever happened.

The deep loud voice continues. " I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

The grandmother responds, "He had a hat."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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T'was The Week After Christmas

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared...

The wine and the rumballs, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to battle the dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter dressed like a man!"
So...away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...

But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot

Happy New Years to All and to All a Good Diet

Another One Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Recipe for a Happy, Healthy, Positive, and Productive 2003
  • Throw out nonessential numbers; this list includes age, weight and height.
  • Keep only cheerful friends; the grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably family members who fill that need.
  • Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let the brain idle.
  • Enjoy the simple things.... When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When they are grown, and you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford!
  • Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.
  • The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is you.
  • Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
  • Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
  • Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, take a trip to visit friend, the next county, a foreign country, but not guilt.
  • Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.

Remember - Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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