The Year's Worst [Actual] Headlines of
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash,
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Submitted by Patrick,
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Older Women by Andy Rooney
If you're not an "older woman" yet, this will
give you encouragement! If you are an older woman and you didn't
love Andy Rooney before, this may change your mind! He says: "As I
grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few
- An older woman will never wake you in
the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She
doesn't care what you think.
- An older woman knows herself well
enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants
and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you
might think about her.
- An older single woman usually has had
her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The
last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy,
whiny, dependent lover!
- Older women are dignified. They seldom
have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of
an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with
- Most older women cook well. They care
about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often
- An older woman has the self-assurance
to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a
man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't
trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
- Women get psychic as they age. You
never have to confess your sins to an older woman. She always
- An older woman looks good wearing
bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag
- Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right of you are a jerk if you act like one.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude
of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every
stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy
relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year
Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That
men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings
that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of
your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become,
without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and
whining his way into your serenity."
Submitted by Sister Wink, the Bronx, NY
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A sick man turned to his
doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room ...
...and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do
not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the
door; on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and
whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and
leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
"Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He
didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his
master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without
fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I
do know one thing...I know my Master is there and that is enough."
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