Humor Additions for Wednesday, Dec 24th, 2003


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The Department of Defense is going to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas ..

Status of acquisitions follows:

Day 1 - Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the Process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The

Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps Tank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.

Day 2 - Two turtledoves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that Turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.

Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a Small Disadvantaged Business.

Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.

Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, The shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at a former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.

Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.

Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of Maids A Milking Training Program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit. Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty. Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.

Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim Due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in Process to bring the pipes into spec.

Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 05.

As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a High OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support Current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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A Horseman's Christmas - Doris Eraldi

It's the night before Christmas, we're out in the barn
Blanketing horses to keep them all warm
They're eating their dinners, tucked in cozy stalls
Not aware that it's Christmas or any special day at all

They can dream of spring pastures from their pine-scented beds
No visions of sugarplums dance in their heads
But we people are thinking of merry parties and such
Maybe feeling a little sad at missing so much

This season is special but the horses don't know
We've got work to do before we can go
We finish the chores and head on inside
To get ready for dinner and our own yuletide

It's nearly midnight, the carols are sung
I remember a story I was told when I was young
How at midnight on Christmas Eve
The creatures of the barnyard can speak to us with ease

I am called to the barn, I wade through the rain
I know I must go, I can't really explain
I slide open the door, pause for a while
Then slowly walk down that dimly lit aisle

A nicker from Casey, a wink from JD
Sleepy old Alibi waking to see
Tucker rustling his bedding, a snort soft and light
Each horse gave a greeting as I walked through the night

I thought about parties bright lit and warm
The ones we don't go to 'cause we have the barn
And vacations and holidays that we don't get
When we're working long hours for bills to be met

Walking all the way to the end of the aisle
I stop to stroke Bonnie, it brings me a smile
She snuffles my face, hot breath on my skin
It starts me to thinking about my horses, my kin

I could be at parties with laughter and mirth
But where I am right now is the best place on Earth.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A federal holiday poem

Twas the night before Christmas, and all 'cross the Web
Not a surfer was surfing, except for some feds.
The FAA cleared Santa for his annual flight,
As the Weather Service predicted a clear, starry night.
FEMA stood by in case of snow, ice or sleet.
As troops 'round the world maintained the peace.
When out on the Web there arose such a crowd
Of kids on their mice click, click, clicking around
'Til they landed their browsers on a special Web site
Where NORAD tracked Santa all through the night.
In English, in Spanish, in even Francais,
The radar tracked Nicholas around on his sleigh.
The radar bleep, bleeped as Santa drew close
Drawn by the heat off of Rudolph's red nose.
The satellites tingled, the warning bells jingled
When NORAD got sight of merry Kris Kringle.
Kids 'cross the land knew their friends had been wrong.
NORAD's site proved it: Santa lives on!
And as feds 'round the world kept the peace through the night,
Santa looked down, and called out with his might,
"Thank you, civil servants! You fight the good fight!
Happy days to you all, and to all a fine night!"

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Dec 22nd Humor Page