The Department of Defense is
going to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas ..
Status of acquisitions follows:
Day 1 - Partridge in a pear tree:
The Army and Air Force are in the Process of deciding whose area
of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a
bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The
Army, however, feels trees are
part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After
three months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps Tank sessions, a
$1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this
Day 2 - Two turtledoves: Since
doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However,
turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it
should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that Turtles and
doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are
being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.
Day 3 - Three French Hens: At
State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign
Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from the French or
anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an
acceptable domestic alternative.
Day 4 - Four Calling Birds:
Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to
AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a Small
Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No
available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M
accelerated development program has been initiated.
Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The
six geese have been acquired. However, The shells of their eggs
seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the
production facility on a nuclear waste dump at a former Air Force
base that was closed under BRAC.
Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming:
Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy
SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the
training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate
is so high.
Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking:
The entire class of Maids A Milking Training Program at Aberdeen
is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The
program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.
Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has
been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Association." Members claim they have a right to dance and wear
women's clothing as long as they're off duty. Day 10 - Ten Lords
a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists.
Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue
operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting
a "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.
Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping:
The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he
thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim Due to
defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in
Process to bring the pipes into spec.
Day 12 - Twelve Drummers
Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for
drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to
obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds
will not be available until FY 05.
As a result of the
above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a High OPTEMPO
that requires diversion of modernization funds to support Current
readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown,