• Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
• Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
• Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
• Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
• Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
• Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
• Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
• Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
• Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
• Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
• When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
• Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though=). - David (2 Samuel 11)
• Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
• Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
• A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35

• Eggnog. Hideously fattening; leads to coronary artery disease. When "spiked" it incites the drinker to turn to more dangerous holiday beverages, including mulled wine, hard cider and schnapps.
• Decorations. Broken glass ornaments can lead to fatal bleeding in hemophiliacs. Strings of lights offer unusual electrocution opportunities. Extravagant outdoor lighting displays can cause automobile pileups on the street and/or blindness. Live animals in a manger might bite children.
• Carols. Hypothermia risk. Certain high notes are hard to hit, causing embarrassment, stress and other harbingers of early death. Religious themes of carols could prove offensive to some listeners and inadvertently trigger a clash of civilizations.
• Sledding. Involves a kinetic event that would more properly be described as skidding. Any close analysis will reveal that sleds not only have poor traction but are expressly designed to have minimal grip on a slick surface. Should be every bit as illegal as dangling a baby from a balcony.
• Hearths. The ultimate fire hazard. People often use them to have open fires, complete with exploding embers that can land on furniture, on heavily gelled hair or even on a small furry pet that could suddenly go FOOF! and turn into the Yowling Fireball of Doom.
• Menorahs. Still more open fire. Why not just pass around blowtorches and cans of gasoline?
• Artificial Christmas trees. Fairfax County assistant fire marshal Mike Reilly, defending the ban on cut trees, said Tuesday: "I just put up my nine-foot artificial tree. I don't think it's a major inconvenience when you look at the risks." Obviously, plastic Christmas trees are growing to enormous size these days, and anyone who stands under a nine-foot colossus runs the risk of being crushed.
• Gifts. Small gifts are a choking hazard. Large gifts lead to hernias. Coal in the stocking of a person who has been bad poses a severe fire risk. CDs have wrapping that requires the use of knives and scissors in a manner that can lead to the loss of a finger. Shopping leads to excessive debt, anxiety and compensatory high-risk behaviors such as smoking, heavy drinking and attempted gift returns. Improper gift-buying, such as when a well-meaning male gives his sweetheart something unromantic, like a Dustbuster, or a 52-piece socket wrench set, or a jumbo can of Dr. Scholl's Foot Deodorant Spray, can lead to domestic violence.
• Mistletoe. The number of unwanted pregnancies resulting from the placement of mistletoe on the ceiling and over doorways has never been properly calculated, but is surely astronomical. Tongues are a choking hazard.
• Shopping mall Santas. A strange man wearing a disguise who asks small children to sit in his lap. You make the call.
• Reindeer. Lyme disease vectors.
• Elves. Ideology and political allegiance unknown. Terror risk?"

Submitted by Megan, College Park, Md.