Top 15 Biblical Ways to
Acquire a Wife
- Find an attractive prisoner of war,
bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new
clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
- Find a prostitute and marry her. -
- Find a man with seven daughters, and
impress him by watering his flock - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
- Purchase a piece of property, and get a
woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
- Go to a party and hide. When the women
come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -
Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
- Have God create a wife for you while
you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
- Agree to work seven years in exchange
for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the
wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you
wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years
of hard labor for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
- Cut 200 foreskins off of your future
father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David
(I Samuel 18:27)
- Even if no one is out there, just
wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's
all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
- Become the emperor of a huge nation and
hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
- When you see someone you like, go home
and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman; now get her for
me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get
her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
- Kill any husband and take HIS wife
(Prepare to lose four sons, though=). - David (2 Samuel 11)
- Wait for your brother to die. Take his
widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onan and
Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
- Don't be so picky. Make up for quality
with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
- A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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List of Christmas
related things that must be banned before someone gets hurt:
- Eggnog. Hideously fattening; leads to
coronary artery disease. When "spiked" it incites the drinker to
turn to more dangerous holiday beverages, including mulled wine,
hard cider and schnapps.
- Decorations. Broken glass ornaments can
lead to fatal bleeding in hemophiliacs. Strings of lights offer
unusual electrocution opportunities. Extravagant outdoor
lighting displays can cause automobile pileups on the street
and/or blindness. Live animals in a manger might bite children.
- Carols. Hypothermia risk. Certain high
notes are hard to hit, causing embarrassment, stress and other
harbingers of early death. Religious themes of carols could
prove offensive to some listeners and inadvertently trigger a
clash of civilizations.
- Sledding. Involves a kinetic event that
would more properly be described as skidding. Any close analysis
will reveal that sleds not only have poor traction but are
expressly designed to have minimal grip on a slick surface.
Should be every bit as illegal as dangling a baby from a
- Hearths. The ultimate fire hazard.
People often use them to have open fires, complete with
exploding embers that can land on furniture, on heavily gelled
hair or even on a small furry pet that could suddenly go FOOF!
and turn into the Yowling Fireball of Doom.
- Menorahs. Still more open fire. Why not
just pass around blowtorches and cans of gasoline?
- Artificial Christmas trees. Fairfax
County assistant fire marshal Mike Reilly, defending the ban on
cut trees, said Tuesday: "I just put up my nine-foot artificial
tree. I don't think it's a major inconvenience when you look at
the risks." Obviously, plastic Christmas trees are growing to
enormous size these days, and anyone who stands under a
nine-foot colossus runs the risk of being crushed.
- Gifts. Small gifts are a choking
hazard. Large gifts lead to hernias. Coal in the stocking of a
person who has been bad poses a severe fire risk. CDs have
wrapping that requires the use of knives and scissors in a
manner that can lead to the loss of a finger. Shopping leads to
excessive debt, anxiety and compensatory high-risk behaviors
such as smoking, heavy drinking and attempted gift returns.
Improper gift-buying, such as when a well-meaning male gives his
sweetheart something unromantic, like a Dustbuster, or a
52-piece socket wrench set, or a jumbo can of Dr. Scholl's Foot
Deodorant Spray, can lead to domestic violence.
- Mistletoe. The number of unwanted
pregnancies resulting from the placement of mistletoe on the
ceiling and over doorways has never been properly calculated,
but is surely astronomical. Tongues are a choking hazard.
- Shopping mall Santas. A strange man
wearing a disguise who asks small children to sit in his lap.
You make the call.
- Reindeer. Lyme disease vectors.
- Elves. Ideology and political
allegiance unknown. Terror risk?"
Submitted by Megan, College Park, Md.
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