Humor Additions for Monday, Dec 1st, 2003

    My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
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I was thinking the other day ...
  • How the status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
  • You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
  • I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
  • I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
  • I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers.
  • You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "Nope. It's for company. Help yourself. Make yourself comfy. Take your time."
  • I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
  • Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write A Good Doctor... or 911!
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are you supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me: they were cramming for their finals.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators.

He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!!

There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night ...

... celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!"

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "to hell with it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was tanked' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the pub."

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Life in America ... take 2

Nov 28th Humor Page