Dear Dogs ... When I say to
move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each
other so there are still two dogs in the way ....
- The dishes with the paw print are yours
and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR
and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a
king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at
videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end
to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
- When I am playing the pinball machine,
jumping up and trying to grab the ball through the glass is not
helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you achieve your
goal does not win you any extra brownie points.
- My compact discs are not miniature
- For the last time, there is not a
secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you
there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for
years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
- The proper order is kiss me, then go
smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would
be such a simple change for you.
Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.
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In case you were wondering
what makes a divorce lawyer grin ...
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his
wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his
name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked
the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The
wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own
there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she
lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and
On the second day, she had the movers come
and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the
last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in
the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of
Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and
deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of
the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl,
and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly
but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place
smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and
aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets
were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on
Finally, they could take it no more and
decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very
professional packing job, taking everything to their new
home......including the curtain rods.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Since the Pledge of Allegiance
and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools ...
anymore because the word "God" is mentioned
.... a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer.
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under
God Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
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