Thanks to a
retired Delta Captain for sending this
"paraphrase" of a memorable pre flight
SAFETY Public Announcement from their
flight attendants over their PA
system. In his own words....
I was flying
to San Francisco from Seattle this
... and the
flight attendant reading the flight
safety information had the whole plane
looking at each other like "what the
heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look
at each other is an accomplishment.)
So once we got airborne, I took out my
laptop and typed up what she said so I
wouldn't forget. I've left out a few
parts I'm sure, but this is most of
welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San
Francisco. If you're going to San
Francisco, you're in the right place.
If you're not going to San Francisco,
you're about to have a really long
evening. We'd like to tell you now
about some important safety features
of this aircraft.
important safety feature we have
aboard this plane is ... the flight
attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5
exits aboard this plane: 2 at the
front, 2 over the wings, and one out
the plane's rear end. If you're seated
in one of the exit rows, please do not
store your bags by your feet. That
would be a really bad idea.
Please take a
moment and look around and find the
nearest exit. Count the rows of seats
between you and the exit. In the event
that the need arises to find one,
trust me, you'll be glad you did. We
have pretty blinking lights on the
floor that will blink in the direction
of the exits. White ones along the
normal rows, and pretty red ones at
the exit rows.
In the event
of a loss of cabin pressure these
baggy things will drop down over your
head. You stick it over your nose and
mouth like the flight attendant is
doing now. The bag won't inflate, but
there's oxygen there, promise. If you
are sitting next to a small child, or
someone who is acting like a small
child, please do us all a favor and
put on your mask first.
If you are
traveling with two or more children,
please take a moment now to decide
which one is your favorite. Help that
one first, and then work your way
In the seat
pocket in front of you is a pamphlet
about the safety features of this
plane. I usually use it as a fan when
I'm having my own personal summer. It
makes a very good fan. It also has
pretty pictures. Please take it out
and play with it now.
Please take a
moment now to make sure your seat
belts are fastened low and tight about
your waist. To fasten the belt, insert
the metal tab into the buckle. To
release, it's a pulley thing-not a
pushy thing like your car because
you're in an airplane-HELLO!!
There is no
smoking in the cabin on this flight.
There is also no smoking in the
lavatories. If we see smoke coming
from the lavatories, we will assume
you are on fire and put you out. This
is a free service we provide.
There are two
smoking sections on this flight, one
outside each wing exit. We do have a
movie in the smoking sections
tonight... hold on; let me check what
it is. Oh, here it is! The movie
tonight is "Gone with the Wind".
In a moment we
will be turning off the cabin lights,
and it's going to get really dark,
really fast. If you're afraid of the
dark, now would be a good time to
reach up and press the yellow button.
The yellow button turns on your
press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button
is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to
have you with us on board this flight.
Thank you for choosing Alaska Air and
giving us your business and your
money. If there's anything we can do
to make you more comfortable, please
don't hesitate to ask.
If you all
weren't strapped down you would have
given me a standing ovation, wouldn't
Welcome to the
San Francisco International Airport.
Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's
not the captain's fault. It's not the
co-pilot's fault. It's the "ASPHALT".
seated until the plane is parked at
the gate. At no time in history has a
passenger beaten a plane to the gate.
So please don't even try.
careful opening the overhead bins
because "SHIFT HAPPENS."
Bill, Narberth, Pa.