Humor Additions for Wednesday, August 20th

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The coach of the New York Giants gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Iraq ....

The team owner and the Giants recruiting Manager catch a plane to war-torn Baghdad and track the young boy down. They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to the USA.

The boy does a full pre-season, plays in all the practice games and earns the position of backup quarterback for the season's first game.

Ten minutes into the first quarter, the Giants quarterback goes down with a severe knee injury. The teams coach turns to the boy and says, "This is it son, show us what you can do."

The boy proceeds have the greatest NFL debut game in the history of backup quarterbacks.

The Giants team carry him off the field and give him three cheers back in the locker room. The coach tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and that he is a model lesson for all. The coach then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son. Telephone your Mother and tell her what you did today."

He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says, "Guess what I did today?"

"I don't care what you did today!" his Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today," she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our house was torched, our car was blown up, your sister was raped and your brother was abducted."

"Gee," says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened."

The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have moved to New Jersey!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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The Perks of Being 50+
  • In a kidnap situation, the kidnappers are not interested in you.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run - anywhere.
  • People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won't wear out.
  • You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
  • You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
  • You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You sing along with elevator music.
  • Your eyes won't get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  • You can't remember who sent you this list.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO.

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Signs of Menopause
  • You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
  • Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
  • You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
  • The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
  • You change your underwear after every sneeze.
  • You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.

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Optical Illusions take 4  ... Keep staring at the black dot.  After a while the gray haze around it will appear to shrink ...

August 18th Humor Page