At a nursing home a group
of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly
lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts
are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election
time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the
arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded
weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy
I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm
going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for
getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The
others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one
woman cheerfully, "thank God we can all still drive."
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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About Aging, My Little
Welcome to Baltimore
- First you must learn to pronounce the
city name.... It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if
you live north or south of Rt. 40.
- Next, if your road map is more than a
few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard
County map and is a day old it is already obsolete.
- On Monday you don't wash your clothes,
you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands,
you warsh them in wooder.
- Forget the traffic rules you learned
elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic
rules...."Hold on & pray."
- There is no such thing as a dangerous
high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that.
- All directions start with... "The
Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end.
- The morning rush hour is from 6am to
11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush
hour starts Thursday morning.
- If you actually stop at a yellow light
you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you
are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the
light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5
drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you
don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a
blowing horn, or both.
- Construction on I-97 is a way of life
and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's
called an "interstate," it runs only from the Beltway to
Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under
re-construction ever since. (Does former Gov. Glendenning have
any relatives who build highways?)
- All unexplained sights are explained by
the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!"
- If someone actually has their turn
signal on it is probably a factory defect.
- Car horns are actually "Road Rage"
- All old ladies with blue hair and
Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD
- All roads mysteriously change their
names as you cross intersections.
- A trip across town (north to south)
will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does
have, on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday
- The minimum acceptable speed on the
Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy.
- The Beltway is our daily version of
- If the humidity is 98+ and the
temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September.
- If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles
- If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day
at Ravens Stadium.
- If you go to a football game, pay the
$75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost
up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
- If some guy with a flag tries to get
you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's
probably not his yard anyway.
Oh yeah... Welcome to Baltimore, Hon!
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Little Sister's Jokes,
A cardiologist died and was given
an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers
stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the
mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm
sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see I'm a
At that point, the proctologist
Submitted by Kate, Columbia,
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