Humor Additions for Monday, August 18th

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At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thank God we can all still drive."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Welcome to Baltimore
  • First you must learn to pronounce the city name.... It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40.
  • Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard County map and is a day old it is already obsolete.
  • On Monday you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you warsh them in wooder.
  • Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on & pray."
  • There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that.
  • All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end.
  • The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  • If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5 drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a blowing horn, or both.
  • Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's called an "interstate," it runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does former Gov. Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?)
  • All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!"
  • If someone actually has their turn signal on it is probably a factory defect.
  • Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
  • All old ladies with blue hair and Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD
  • All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
  • A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends.
  • The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy.
  • The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
  • If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September.
  • If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles Opening Day.
  • If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day at Ravens Stadium.
  • If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
  • If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's probably not his yard anyway.

Oh yeah... Welcome to Baltimore, Hon!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

Submitted by Kate, Columbia, Md.

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Optical Illusions take 3

August 15th Humor Page