Humor Additions for Monday, August 11th

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Ma and Pa were two hillbillies. Pa discovered that the hole under the outhouse is full.

So he went into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole..... Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her pants she says ... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much.

Being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked with him the first few days, but he came home one day telling her he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like "big boys." He protested so loudly that she had to find another way to handle it.

She asked her neighbor Nancy if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school at a distance, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Nancy said that, since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise so she agreed. The next school day, Nancy and her little girl set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with his friend Ronnie. This went on for a whole week. Timmy's friend noticed that this same lady was following them every day. Finally Ronnie asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."

Ronnie asked, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest an' her little girl Marcy," Timmy said.

Ronnie inquired further, "Well, why does she follow us every day like that?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night Momma makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' So, I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

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Some of your old favorites have re-released their greatest hits...

...with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience ... Take  2

  • The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
  • The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
  • Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
  • Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
  • Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
  • ABBA - "Denture Queen"
  • Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
  • Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
  • Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want! "
  • Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

Some of your old favorites have re-released their greatest hits ... take 1

Submitted by John, Brookhaven, NY.

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August 8th Humor Page