Humor Additions for Wednesday, April 23rd

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Actual Entries in Hospital Charts

  • Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in ER, she was examined, x-rayed, and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal examine revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got divorced.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
  • Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield. Co.

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An old couple was sitting in their front room when the husband gets up and drives to the store.

He comes back with a puzzle and he dumps out all of the pieces on the table. a few days pass and the wife walks over and looks at her husband sitting at the table and she sees that he's in obvious joy over putting the entire puzzle together in a matter of days.

The man looks up at his wife and says: "look, I've put this mountain landscape puzzle together in five days!"

The wife asks: "what's so great about you putting a puzzle together in five days?"

The man looks up from the table and says: "well, the box says 4-7 years!"

Submitted by Jerry

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Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey ...

... who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in WellingtonBronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.

Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.

All thing considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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April 18th Humor Page