Actual Entries in Hospital Charts
- Patient has chest pains if she lies on
her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better,
and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying
constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since
she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without my
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old
male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of
- Patient has left white blood cells at
- Patient’s medical history has been
remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the
past three days.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and
anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in ER, she was examined, x-rayed,
and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional constant infrequent
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- Rectal examine revealed a normal size
- She stated that she had been
constipated for most of her life until she got divorced.
- I saw your patient today, who is still
under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient was to have a bowel
resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.
Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
- Patient has two teenage children but no
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield. Co.
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of Humorous Sayings, My Little
An old couple was sitting
in their front room when the husband gets up and drives to the
He comes back with a puzzle and he dumps
out all of the pieces on the table. a few days pass and the wife
walks over and looks at her husband sitting at the table and she
sees that he's in obvious joy over putting the entire puzzle
together in a matter of days.
The man looks up at his wife and says:
"look, I've put this mountain landscape puzzle together in five
The wife asks: "what's so great about you
putting a puzzle together in five days?"
The man looks up from the table and says:
"well, the box says 4-7 years!"
Submitted by Jerry
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About Aging, My Little
Dear Abby: I am a crack
dealer in New Jersey ...
has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My
parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia, is married to a
transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my
other two sisters, who are prostitutes in.
I have two brothers. One is currently
serving a non-parole life sentence in WellingtonBronx and is still
a part time "working girl" in a brothel.
Her time there is limited as we hope to
open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping
my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I
would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them
off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.
All thing considered, my main problem is
this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the
family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my distant cousin
who is French?
Signed, Worried About My Reputation
Submitted by Vicki,
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Political Jokes, My
18th Humor Page