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On a tour of Illinois, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Lake Michigan on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the head land. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Green Bay Packer football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 12 foot sturgeon.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Chicago Bears football jerseys roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sturgeon's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Wisconsin man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the fish to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead sturgeon and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope and he summoned them to the beach.

After they reached shore, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatred between the people of Wisconsin and Illinois, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow".

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner replied, "he knows nothing about Sturgeon fishing. How is the bait holding up or do we need to get another Packer fan?

Submitted by Jay, Fort Myers, Florida

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One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old

times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF.

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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If you do any of the following you are without a doubt a true horsewomen:
  • You use your horse's mane/tail comb to put up your hair.
  • You use your horse's braiding bands for your own hair.
  • Your entertainment for the week is playing in the manure pile.
  • You fight for what wheelbarrow your going to get.
  • You give your horse more baths than you get yourself.
  • Your horse has more blankets than you do clothes.
  • You clip your horse more often than you shave your legs.
  • You spent more money on your horse's front shoes than you did on all
  • your own shoes put together.
  • You didn't have air conditioning, but you got two fans for your horse's stall.
  • You go to a horse show rather than going to church.
  • Your horse has more grooming supplies than you have cosmetic products
  • You wear the same dirty clothes every day, so you don't have to make another outfit dirty.

Submitted by Brenna, Somewhere with a Horse

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Women Drivers ... Take 3

Oct 2 Humor Page