Humor Additions for Friday, Oct 18

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Ways to annoy your "politically correct" friends: (part 1)

  • For your next party make a pot of endangered species stew.
  • Wear a Confederate Flag pin on your lapel.
  • Give out candy cigarettes on Halloween.
  • Give out REAL cigarettes on Halloween.
  • Keep a framed photo of Oliver North on your desk at work.
  • Call a bum a bum.
  • Wear Nike gym shoes.
  • Launch a petition drive to carve Ronald Reagan's visage into Mt. Rushmore.
  • Litter....
  •  ...on Earth Day.
  • Advocate a nuclear first strike against Canada...
  • As justification, offer the fact that Canada has Socialized Medicine.
  • Drink Coors Beer
  • Consume Conspicuously
  • Tell this joke: "Tom Daschle, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore are in a life raft, but there are only enough provisions for one. Who gets saved?" Answer: The country.
  • Cross a picket line.
  • Throw a party to celebrate the execution of a notorious murderer.
  • When they flip the switch, lead the crowd in a chorus of: "na-na-na-na, hey-hey."
  • Spurn recycling.
  • Wear a Washington Redskins jersey....
  •  .........accessorized by your Cleveland Indians baseball cap.
  • Buy a gun...
  • a present for your 10 year old...
  • celebrate his Junior NRA Membership.
  • Drain a wetland.
  • Drive a gas guzzling SUV....
  • .....with a "Pave the Rainforests" bumper sticker.
  • Smoke...
  • ...a big, smelly cigar...
  • the no smoking section....
  • ....on the day of The Great American Smokeout

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Equine High School Cliques:
  • Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts....yeah, jocks allright!
  • Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack.
  • Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.
  • Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)
  • Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any color of the rainbow .... gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
  • Connemaras: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves, devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humour, and the world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest pub, entertaining the masses. Fast and easy.
  • Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
  • Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.
  • Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?
  • Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).
  • Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
  • Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.
  • Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having half as much fun!

Submitted by Penny, Leasburg, Va.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II...

... had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little Dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Submitted by Stas, Fairfield, Pa.

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Secrets of Life Take 5: Always Be Ready for Surprises in Life

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

Oct 16 Humor Page