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As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Romance Mathematics
  • Smart man + smart woman = romance
  • Smart man + dumb woman = affair
  • Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
  • Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Office Arithmetic

  • Smart boss + smart employee = profit
  • Smart boss + dumb employee = production
  • Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
  • Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Shopping Math

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

General Equations & Statistics

  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


  • To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
  • To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


  • Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Propensity to Change

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Discussion Technique

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


  • There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman ­ before marriage and after marriage.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, MD.

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How many men does it take to open a beer? ...
  • ... None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
  • Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
  • Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
  • How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
  • Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure..
  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
  • Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
  • A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
  • Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
  • A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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