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An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman applied for the position of a laboratory assistant.

They all attend an interview. The laboratory manager comes out of his office with three jar and he gives one to each candidate. He informs them that in each jar is a live spider. He asks them to take the jar home informing them that whoever has the most comprehensive observation results will be given the job and a starting salary of $60,000.

The exhausted and weary looking candidates returned the following morning. Suddenly the managers door swings open and he shouts in the English man. "Well, what have you found out about your spider," asked the manager.

"Well it has eight legs, a hairy body and its runs in all different directions." Replied the Englishman.

"Is that all you have to report?" asks the manager.

"Err ... err ... yes" replied the English man. "

"OK, said the manager, "please take a seat outside and send in the Scottish man."

The Scottish was also asked what he had found out about his spider. "Well it has eight legs, a brown body with lots of small hairs, it is only able to crawl three inches up the jar before falling back and the longest it stays still is five minutes."

"Very good," said the manager, "so far you have the job but I do have one more candidate to see, so could you please take a seat outside and send in the Irishman."

The Irishman was also asked what he had found out about his spider. "Watch this said the Irishman, who took the lid on off the jar and placed the spider on the managers desk. he said to the spider COME HERE!, the spider began walking towards him and he said STOP! and the spider stopped. Again the Irishman placed the spider back and said COME HERE! at which point the spider again began walking towards him, he again said STOP! and again the spider stopped."

"That's fantastic," said the manager fantastic, "this is worth a fortune, we will be rich !!!!."

The Irishman then said "eh if you think that's good wait for this." He picked up the spider placed it back and pulled all its legs off and then said to the spider "COME HERE!" the spider didn't move ........ "COME HERE!" Yelled the Irishman,  but still the spider didn't move.  The Irishman then screamed "COME HERE!!!" but still the spider didn't move.

The Irishman then proudly stood back and said to the manager "What do you think of that then!"

"Think what about what?" said the manager confused as to what he had proved.

"Well" said the Irishman, "it proves that when you pull a spiders legs off ..... they go deaf."

Submitted by Andy, Derbyshire, England

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Headline Stories for the Year 2035
  1. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
  3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
  4. Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  5. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  6. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  7. Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
  8. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
  9. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  10. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
  11. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
  12. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
  13. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
  14. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
  15. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that skipping."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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