Humor Additions for Monday, Nov 25

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The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

  • 50° Fahrenheit (10° C): Californians shiver uncontrollably - Canadians plant gardens.
  • 35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C): Italian Cars won't start - Canadians drive with the windows down
  • 32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C): American water freezes - Canadian water gets thicker.
  • 0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C): New York City landlords finally turn on the heat - Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
  • -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C): Mt.St. Helens freezes - Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
  • -100° Fahrenheit (-73° C): Santa Claus abandons the North Pole - Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
  • -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C): Ethyl alcohol Freezes - Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
  • -460° Fahrenheit (-273° C): Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops - Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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What is a Grandmother? (Written by a 3rd grader at St. Andrews School, Washington, D. C.)

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's. A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there. They are old, so they shouldn't play hard or run. It is enough if they drive us to the market and have lots of dimes ready. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They never say "hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart. They only have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip lines or mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everyone should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have a TV, because they are the only grown-ups who have TIME.

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More Headline Stories for the Year 2035
  • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
  • Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

More Headline Stories for the Year 2035

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him ... "I have some very bad news for you ...

... I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."

So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.

"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"

"Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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Nov 22 Humor Page