Humor Additions for Wednesday, May 8

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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2001 Ferrari GTO.

It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari GTO, it cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money" says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be!" thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh and KablaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Omigod! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers in a raspy breath, " suspenders...from your side-view mirror..."

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More insights on life from those who like to poke fun at it.
  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  • Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  • Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
  • How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
  • Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
  • Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
  • If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
  • You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
  • Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  • Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
  • We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.......but
  • they all have to learn to live in the same box.
  • Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
  • A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
  • Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
  • Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
  • I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
  • If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
  • Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
  • You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
  • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  • We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A mild-mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around ...

... so he decides to go to a psychiatrist. The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem. The doctor gives him a booklet on assertiveness training. He reads it on the way home.

When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet him, he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home and my word is law! When I come home from work I want my dinner on the table. Now get upstairs and lay me out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker," she replies.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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