Humor Additions for Monday, May 6

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Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons ...

... The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

  • Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  • A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
  • These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Submitted by Sister Wink, The Bronx, NY

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Hillbilly Medical Terms
  • Benign - What you be after you be eight
  • Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
  • Barium - What you do with dead folks
  • Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
  • Catscan - Searching for the cat
  • Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
  • Colic - A sheep dog
  • Coma - A punctuation mark
  • D&C - Where Washington is
  • Dilate - To live longer than your kids do
  • Enema - Not a friend
  • Fester - Quicker than someone else
  • Fibula - A small lie
  • GI Series - World Series of military baseball
  • Hangnail - What you hang your coat on
  • Hospital - The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse, or Franks lumber mill
  • Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
  • Morbid - A higher offer than I bid
  • Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake
  • Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
  • Node - I knew it
  • Outpatient - A person who has fainted
  • Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
  • Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
  • Post Operative - A letter carrier
  • Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
  • Secretion - Hiding something
  • Seizure - Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section
  • Tablet - A small table to change babies on
  • Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the train station
  • Tumor - More than one
  • Urine - Opposite of mine
  • Varicose - Near by

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, TX.

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When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard ...

... My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.

When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing.

When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."

When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children! Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.

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