If truth in advertising where applied to tools ...
- DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
- WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
- ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
- PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
- HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
- VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
- OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
- WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
- HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk
brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
- EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
- TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
- PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
- SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting
dog-do off your boot.
- E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill
- TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
- TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you
may have forgotten to disconnect.
- CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
- BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your
toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
- AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
- TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
- PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
- AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone
in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
- PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace
a 50 cent part.
- HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
- HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
- MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money ...
and he asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave
the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had
placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the
person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to
pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and
said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Submitted by Flo, Germantown, Md.
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Identification of the Female Equestrian...
- EASY TO LOCATE. She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
- UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD. Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
- OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER and operates it exclusively in the barn.
- A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other
- ECONOMY MINDED. Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
- A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST. Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in
- OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS, but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
- EASY TO OUTFIT. No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at
your local tackstore.
- FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL. Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally
oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
- UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT. She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at
- A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN, as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
- HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART. Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in
turn, converts itself into mud.
- A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION. She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
- KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET. Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on a
- AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST. Can rattle on endlessly about training.
- SOCIALLY AWARE. Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
- A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY. House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from
- EASY TO PLEASE. A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
- SENTIMENTAL FOOL. Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled
snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
- SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS. If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not,
she loves you!
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
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