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Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't!
  • And your crybaby whiny-opinion would be...?
  • Do I look like apeople person?
  • This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • You!... Off my planet!
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  • Allow me to introduce my selves.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  • See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  • Not all men are annoying Some are dead.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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My mother taught me ...
  • To appreciate a job well done - "if you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
  • Religion - "you better pray that will come out of the carpet."
  • About time travel - "if you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
  • Logic - "Because I said so, that's why."
  • Foresight - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
  • Irony - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
  • About the science of osmosis - "shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
  • About contortionism - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
  • About stamina - "You'll sit there til all that spinach is finished."
  • About weather - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
  • How to solve physics problems - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
  • About hypocrisy - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"
  • The circle of life - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
  • About behavior modification - "Stop acting like your father!"
  • About envy - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Thanks, mom!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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The European Commission on the European Unification just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish." In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have less letters.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v."

During ze fif year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinazuns of leters.

After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a veri sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu unerstan ech ozer. Ze drem vil finaly kum tru.

Submitted by Dr. Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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