Humor Additions for Monday, March 4

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I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening . . .
  • . . . when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
  • My son, age 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
  • On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
  • A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
  • I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."
  • A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically..."Why does it have to be a secret?"
  • When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."
  • A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Submitted by our friends at Bethany Lutheran Church, Austin, Tx.

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More Totally useless facts You Never Knew
  • Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
  • The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
  • No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. (try it)
  • The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
  • A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers' first flight.
  • American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
  • Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
  • Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
  • The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
  • Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
  • Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
  • All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
  • Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
  • The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order!
  • And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Liquor Training . . .
This poem was written by Ken Nagler, an obedience judge and director of the
Canine Training Association in MD. 
Now clicker training's quite the fad.
Results from some are not too bad.
The concept stemmed from Pavlov's hound
Responding to some special sound. 
The dog would start to salivate
Before he got the food he ate.
The modern click does much the same.
Enhancing our dogtraining game 
By causing Fido's hopes to raise-
Anticipating treats or praise.
Sometimes you click to no avail,
And other methods also fail. 
No matter how you plead or shout,
Sometimes the dog just won't put out
When asked to sit or heel or stay,
Thus giving you a rotten day. 
It makes you feel quite like a fool,
And then you start to lose your cool.
But if your methods fail for you.
There's something else that you can do. 
Try "liquor training", that's it's name,
To help you with your dogsport game.
"How does this method work?" you ask
Well, first you get a little flask 
Containing gin or other booze
Of any kind that you may choose.
Each time your dog decides to goof,
You take a sip of 80 proof. 
It helps the handler to relax
And minimize the stress attacks.
When handler's mood is more at ease,
The dog may sometimes try to please, 
Or, then again may still refuse
To mind his training P's and Q's.
But whether foul results or fair
You liquor train - you just don't care. 
Works for horses too! *Hic* 
Submitted By Kat, Smithsburg, Md.

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