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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. 

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and her dress was an oyster and it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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More field guides Tips on being a Guy
  1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate"
  2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
  3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
  4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
  5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
  6. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
  7. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
  8. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
  9. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
  10. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
  11. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
  12. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him
  13.  Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, you are absolved of your of responsibility.

Submitted by John, Long Island, NY.

Read other field guide tips on being a guy

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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. 

There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee.

Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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