service is being held for a woman who has just passed
At the end of the service, the
pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally
bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan! They
open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held,
and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out
the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the
husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"
An elderly couple was on a
cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back
of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed
the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the
promise that he would notify him as soon as they found
Three weeks went by and finally
the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry
to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the
ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and her dress was an oyster
and it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise"
The old man faxed back:
"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
Submitted by Mike,
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Jokes About Marriage, My Little
field guides Tips on being a Guy
- Thou shall not rent the
- Under no circumstances may
two men share an umbrella.
- Any man who brings a camera
to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his
- When you are queried by a
buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink,
dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should
not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
- You may exaggerate any
anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination;
(Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
- Before dating a buddy's ex,
you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is
required to grant it.
- The universal compensation
for buddies who help you move is beer.
- A man must never own a cat
or like his girlfriend's cat.
- When your girlfriend/wife
expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your
pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to
warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.
- Unless you're in prison,
never fight naked.
- Never hesitate to reach for
the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.
That's just plain mean.
- If a buddy is already
singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him
- Before allowing a
drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one
intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in
the eye, you are absolved of your of responsibility.
Submitted by John, Long
other field guide tips on being a guy
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nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly
There, he is greeted by George
Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped
conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the
Patrick Henry comes up from
behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they
gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next,
and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to
provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to
Osama is subjected to similar
beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65
other people who have the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhes on the ground,
Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gate
where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to
his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not
what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told
you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you
think I said?"
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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