Humor Additions for Friday, June 28

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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ...

  • In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
  • My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
  • What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
  • A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
  • Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
  • A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
  • The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  • First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
  • How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
  • Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
  • If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  • Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
  • A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
  • The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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More insights on life learned by the time you have reached middle age
  • If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  • It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  • Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  • No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  • It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
  • The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.

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Seems God was just about done with creating the universe ...

... but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

"What's it called?" Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.

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