Humor Additions for Friday, June 21

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Insights into selecting a gift for a man ...
  • Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he Already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
  • Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
  • Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
  • Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
  • Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
  • Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
  • Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
  • Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.
  • Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
  • Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
  • Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
  • Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
  • Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
  • Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
  • Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. Who's been eating my porridge?!!," he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

"It was Momma Bear who got up first, "It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house. "It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee, "It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away. "It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. "It was Momma Bear who set the table, "It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, And, now that you've decided to drag your lazy butts downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time....

"I Haven't Made the Damn Porridge Yet !!

Submitted by Lisa, Liberty Town, Md.

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The lighter side of parenting ...
  • Unbreakable Toy: An implement useful for breaking other toys. Preparations for Paternity: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch until fall arrives. If this doesn't bother you, then you might be ready for fatherhood. 
  • Things you learn as a dad: The sound of a toilet flushing and the phrase "Oh-Oh" means it's already too late. 
  • What you must never say to your pregnant wife: "Can't they induce labor? The 27th is the Super Bowl..."
  • A Dad Moment: After buying a new bowling ball and putting it on the front seat of his car, Jim let his son Brett, fifteen, behind the wheel for a driving lesson. When a squirrel darted out in front of them, Brett alertly braked. The sudden stop caused the bowling ball to roll off the seat and onto the gas pedal. The car sped up and crashed into two parked cars. Luckily, no one was hurt. To Brett's chagrined, Dad turned the driving lessons over to Mom.
  • P.J. O'Rourke: Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Submitted by Meredithe in Biglerville, PA

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