If dogs could
ask God questions ...
- Dear God, how come people
love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where
are their priorities?
- Dear God, when we get to
Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old
- Dear God, excuse me, but why
are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one
named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding
around? We dogs love a good ride! I know every breed can't
have it's own model, but it would be real easy to rename the
Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
- Dear God, if a dog barks his
head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a
- Dear God, is it true that in
Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
- Dear God ,if we come back as
humans, is that good or bad?
- Dear God, more meatballs,
less spaghetti, please.
- Dear God, when we get to the
Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
- Dear God, we dogs understand
human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns,
clickers, beepers, scent, ID's, electromagnetic energy
fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
- Dear God, are there dogs on
other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the
Moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is
the beagle across the street!
- Dear God, are there mailmen
in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Penny, Leasburg, Va.
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More Darwin Awards
Frozen Bacon: Historical Darwin
Francis Bacon was an
influential statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist of the
16th century. He died while stuffing snow into a chicken. He had
been struck by the notion that snow instead of salt might be
used to preserve meat. To test his theory he stood outside in
the snow and attempted to stuff the bird. The chicken didnít
freeze, but Bacon did, prompting the question "Which froze
first? The Bacon or the egg?"
The Dog and the Jeep: Urban
A man from Michigan went on a
winter duck hunt with his dog and four buddies. They drove his
new Jeep out onto the thick ice of a nearby lake and got ready
for action. They needed open water for the decoys and ducks, and
opted for dynamite as their cutting tool. The man lit the short
fuse and hurled it as far as he could.
His dog, a retriever, reacted
instinctively and within ten seconds was headed back to his
owner, proudly carrying the "stick." Shouts and
threats failed to deter the dog.
In desperation, its master
fired his shotgun at his own dog. The confused dog ran for the
nearest coveróunder the new vehicle. Dog and Jeep were blasted
to the bottom of the lake.
Playing with Cats: January
One man was killed at the
Calcutta Zoo and another mauled when the pair crossed a moat
circling a tiger enclosure to put a garland around the big catís
neck. The two devotees of the goddess Durga had been drinking
when they decided to worship the tiger with their innovative
adaptation of a religious New Yearís greeting. Shiva, a
13-year-old Royal Bengal tiger
Submitted by Dave, Bolder,
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Stories, My Little
A Jewish father,
Moishe, is speaking with his eldest son, Yitzak . . .
... "Father, I am going to
Moishe begins to dance with joy
and sing "Hava Nagila."
Tell me, is she a good Jewish
girl? What is her name?"
the son. ... "She's Catholic"
"Oy!" says the
father. "But are you happy?" ... "I'm
happy," says the son.
"OK, as long as you're
happy. ... My blessings to you both," replies Moishe.
But the father is still
counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father
the next evening, "Father, I too will marry soon!"
Again Moishe breaks out in a
dance and sings God's praises.
"What is her name?"
says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."
"Oy," says Moishe.
"But are you happy?"... "I'm happy, father."
"OK. Then you, too, have
my blessing," Moishe says.
Dejected, Moishe goes to the
temple to pray. "Please, God, let my remaining son Chutzpah
marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your
eyes ... PLEASE!"
Chutzpah comes to his father
excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed."
"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER
NAME?" his father immediately demands. ...
Moishe is beside himself with
joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"
Turning to Chutzpah, he asks,
"Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley?"
Chutzpah. ... "Hmmm," says Moishe. ... "Must be
Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel?"
says Chutzpah. ...
"Well, then, what is her
first name, my youngest, most beautiful son?"
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