Humor Additions for Wednesday, January 30


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If dogs could ask God questions ...
  • Dear God, how come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?
  • Dear God, when we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
  • Dear God, excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a good ride! I know every breed can't have it's own model, but it would be real easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
  • Dear God, if a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
  • Dear God, is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
  • Dear God ,if we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
  • Dear God, more meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
  • Dear God, when we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
  • Dear God, we dogs understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent, ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
  • Dear God, are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the Moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
  • Dear God, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Submitted by Penny, Leasburg, Va.
 

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More Darwin Awards 

Frozen Bacon: Historical Darwin Award:

Francis Bacon was an influential statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist of the 16th century. He died while stuffing snow into a chicken. He had been struck by the notion that snow instead of salt might be used to preserve meat. To test his theory he stood outside in the snow and attempted to stuff the bird. The chicken didnít freeze, but Bacon did, prompting the question "Which froze first? The Bacon or the egg?"


The Dog and the Jeep: Urban Legend: 

A man from Michigan went on a winter duck hunt with his dog and four buddies. They drove his new Jeep out onto the thick ice of a nearby lake and got ready for action. They needed open water for the decoys and ducks, and opted for dynamite as their cutting tool. The man lit the short fuse and hurled it as far as he could.

His dog, a retriever, reacted instinctively and within ten seconds was headed back to his owner, proudly carrying the "stick." Shouts and threats failed to deter the dog.

In desperation, its master fired his shotgun at his own dog. The confused dog ran for the nearest coveróunder the new vehicle. Dog and Jeep were blasted to the bottom of the lake.


Playing with Cats: January 1996, India: 

One man was killed at the Calcutta Zoo and another mauled when the pair crossed a moat circling a tiger enclosure to put a garland around the big catís neck. The two devotees of the goddess Durga had been drinking when they decided to worship the tiger with their innovative adaptation of a religious New Yearís greeting. Shiva, a 13-year-old Royal Bengal tiger

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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A Jewish father, Moishe, is speaking with his eldest son, Yitzak . . .

... "Father, I am going to marry!"

Moishe begins to dance with joy and sing "Hava Nagila."

Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? What is her name?"

"O'Brien," replies the son. ... "She's Catholic"

"Oy!" says the father. "But are you happy?" ... "I'm happy," says the son.

"OK, as long as you're happy. ... My blessings to you both," replies Moishe.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father, I too will marry soon!"

Again Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises.

"What is her name?" he asks.

"Kazalopopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moishe. "But are you happy?"... "I'm happy, father."

"OK. Then you, too, have my blessing," Moishe says.

Dejected, Moishe goes to the temple to pray. "Please, God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!"

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed."

"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?" his father immediately demands. ...

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah.

Moishe is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"

Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley?"

"No..." says Chutzpah. ... "Hmmm," says Moishe. ... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel?"

"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah. ...

"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, most beautiful son?"

"Whoopi."
 

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