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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. 

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

Submitted by Marianna, Columbia, Md.

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Kevin Guthrie's 2002 Weekly Schedule

While we don't often send you off to other sites for a good laugh, every once in a while someone sends us a link too good not to pass on.  From those who visit us often, you'll recognize Kevin as our number one contributor of Redneck, Drinking and Groaner Jokes.  He wins top billing today with this link to he's weekly schedule.

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Further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity . . .

. . . here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

  • On a Sears hairdryer:" Do not use while sleeping."
  • On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
  • On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
  • On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
  • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
  • On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
  • On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
  • On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
  • On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
  • On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
  • On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or teath."

Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn, NY

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When the Europeans found this land, the Indians were running it pretty well.  Disagree, then consider this:
  • There was NO Taxes
  • NO Debt
  • Plenty of Buffalo
  • The Medicine man FREE!
  • Women did all the work
  • Indian men got to hunted and fish all the time!

The Europeans were pompous enough to think they could improve on that system.

Submitted by John, Long Island, NY

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