Humor Additions for Monday, January 14

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Insightful one liners to impress people with at parties
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero . . . 
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
  • something.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. 

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place the next night for dinner. Needless to say, he says "Yes."

She cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No" she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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Four guys are driving cross-country together. One from Idaho, Iowa, Oregon and one from California.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts pulling out potatoes out of his bag and throwing them out on the road. The man from Iowa, says "What are you doing that for?"

The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these, they are laying all over at home and I'm sick of looking at them".

A few more miles down the road, the Iowa man starts pulling husks of corn out of his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Oregon says, "Man what are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa says, "we have tons of these all over back home and I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the two men, the Oregonian looks over at the Californian and kicks him out the door.

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