Things a Cat
- My human will never let me
eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
- I will not puff my entire
body to twice its size for no reason after my human has
finished watching a horror movie.
- I will not slurp fish food
from the surface of the aquarium.
- I must not help myself to
Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down
the sink's drain.
- I will not eat large numbers
of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the
humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
- I will not lean way over to
drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the
box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the
stuff out of my fur.)
- I will not stand on the
bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING
after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
- I will not fish out my
human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can
"wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is
somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the
dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
- I will not use the bathtub
to store live mice for late-night snacks.
- I will not drag dirty socks
up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit
them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my
human can admire my "kill."
- I will not perch on my
human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her
eyes until she wakes up.
- We will not play Herd of
Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the
Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to
- Screaming at the can of food
will not make it open itself.
- I cannot leap through closed
windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my
head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt,
I will not get up and do the same thing again.
- I will not assume the patio
door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
- I will not back up off the
front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is
explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
- I will not complain that my
bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my
- I will not intrude on my
human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
- I will not stick my paw into
any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I
will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to
get the rubber cement out of my fur.
- If I bite the cactus, it
will bite back.
- It is not a good idea to try
to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in
- When I am chasing my tail
and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my
foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
- When it rains, it will be
raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to
check every door.
- Birds do not come from the
bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up
to get the birds out.
- I will not stuff my rather
large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail
hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
- I will not teach the parrot
to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
- The dog can see me coming
when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the
way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls.
That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult
when my humans sit there and laugh.
- Yes, there are still two
very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several
years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the
Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears
in my window.
- I will not play "dead
cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in
groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will
really come true.
- When the humans play darts,
I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
- I will not swat my human's
head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying
to do sit ups.
- When my human is typing at
the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
- Computer and TV screens do
not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
- I am a walking static
generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new
board in her computer.
- I will not bring the city
police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone
button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
- I will not speed dial the
- I will not walk on the
keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp
ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
- Any critter that lives in
the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild
critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not
allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a
frog to put in the fish tank.
- I will not stalk the deer in
the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and
could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
- I will not watch the guinea
pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a
- The goldfish likes living in
water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
- I will not put a live mole
in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get
- I will not eat spider plants
and hallucinate behind the toilet.
- I will not drag the magnets
(and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator
and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the
- I will learn to relax at the
vet's office so they will start writing things in my records
like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
instead of the stuff that's there now like
"MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET
- I will not be miffed at my
human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to
tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
- I will not scratch the
children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how
hard they pull my tail.
- If I MUST claw my human, I
will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a
botched suicide attempt.
- If I must give a present to
my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more
socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it
isn't as tasty.
- I will not soak my catnip
toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and
sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards.
I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in
the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea
with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my
humans take the catnip toy away from me.
- A warm pepperoni pizza is
not a good place for a nap.
Submitted by my Little
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How to Dispose of Junk
When you get ads in your phone
or utility bill, include them with the payment. Let them throw
When you get those pre-
approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to
2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage
paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of
your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else
that day, then just send them their application back!
If you want to remain
anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send
them. You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep
Eventually, the banks and
credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in
the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail,
and best of all THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!
Let's help keep our postal
service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their
business, and that's why they need to increase postage.
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas,
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