Humor Additions for Monday, February 11

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A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the historic Wailing Wall. 

Everyday when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall, sir, how l long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

The old man replies calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall.

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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More worthy rules to live one's life to . . .
  • Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
  • You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
  • The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
  • The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
  • If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
  • Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
  • Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
  • If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
  • Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
  • Work is good, but it's not that important.
  • And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Submitted by Penny, Leasburg, Va.

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The very best ... err worst, of one line groaners
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • A good pun is its own reword.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
  • If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.
  • Despite rumors to the contrary, a mime is actually a very satisfying thing to waste.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
  • Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  • Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  • If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Adolescence - when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.
  • Banning the bra was a big flop.
  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • Dreaming in color is no big deal. It's just a pigment of your imagination.
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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