Humor Additions for Wednesday, Dec 4

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Red Skelton's Tips for a Happy Marriage:
  • Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I
  • go on Fridays.
  • We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
  •  I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
  • "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said so I suggested the kitchen.
  • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
  •  My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
  • She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  • She said, " Too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
  •  Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  • Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
  •  I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
  • The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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There was a U.S. Marine deployed in Afghanistan ...

While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been dating two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Marine does what any squared away Devil Dog would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth Pa.

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Special thanks to our friends at our old favorite - Mad Magazine! ...

Dec 2 Humor Page