'Twas the night before
Christmas and all through the kitchen ...
... I was cooking and baking and
moanin' and bitchin'. I've been here for hours, I can't stop to
rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need! My feet
are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs. The cat just
knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the
telephone's ringing. Frosting drips on the counter as the
microwave's dinging. Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost
done; My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had all
I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling drink
on the floor. He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles, "The egg nog is ready!" He looks all
around and with total regret, says, "What's taking so
long....aren't you through in here yet?!!!!"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room
in terror and pain and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING
OK! Now what was I doing, and what is
that smell? Oh darn it's the pies! They're burned all to hell! I
hate to admit when I make a mistake, but I put them on BROIL
instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still
more ahead? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord,
don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me
exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If
I live 'til next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out, in
here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; and if that
doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
Submitted by Alicia, Emmitsburg, Md.
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of Page, Christmas Joke List,
December's Brain Teasers
- If you divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10, what do you have?
- Seven months of the year have 31 days; how many months
have 28 days?
- A doctor gives you 3 pills with instructions to take one
every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
- A farmer has 15 pigs, all but 9 die. How many does he have
- Carl the butcher wears a size 12 shoe, is 6 foot 3 inches
tall and wears a 42 long suit. What does he weigh?
- A man takes a barrel that weighs 50 pounds, and then puts
something in it. It now weighs less than 50 pounds. What did
he put in it?
- Twelve pears hanging high, 12 men passing by. Each took a
pear and left eleven hanging here. How can this be?
- What runs around a house but doesn't move?
- If one child has 5 2/3 sand piles and another has 2 1/3,
and you combine them, how many sand piles do you have?
- Your mother's brother's only brother-in-law is asleep on
your couch. Who is asleep on your couch?
- What runs but cannot walk?
- Joe was out for a walk and it started to rain. He did not
have an umbrella and he wasn't wearing a hat. His clothes were
soaked, yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could
- According to recent studies, how many birthday does the
average person have?
- How much dirt is in a hole that has a dimension of 6 feet
long x 3 feet wide x 4 feet high?
- An electric train is traveling South at 70 mph, the wind
is blowing 30 mph to the East. Which direction does the smoke
going to travel?
Click Here For The Answers
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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of Page, Groaner Joke List,
What a difference a
century makes! U.S. statistics for 1902:
- The average life expectancy in the
U.S. was 47 years.
- Only 14 Percent of the homes in the
U.S. had a bathtub.
- Only 8 percent of the homes had a
- A three-minute call from Denver to
New York City cost eleven dollars.
- There were only 8,000 cars in the
U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
- The maximum speed limit in most
cities was 10 mph.
- Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and
Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the
21st-most populous state in the Union.
- The tallest structure in the world
was the Eiffel Tower.
- The average wage in the U.S. was 22
cents an hour.
- The average U.S. worker made between
$200 and $400 per year.
- A competent accountant could expect
to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a
veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a
mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
- More than 95 percent of all births in
the U.S. took place at home.
- Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians
had no college education. Instead, they attended medical
schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the
government as "substandard."
- Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs
were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a
- Most women only washed their hair
once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
- Canada passed a law prohibiting poor
people from entering the country for any reason.
- The five leading causes of death in
the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3.
Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
- The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been
admitted to the Union yet.
- The population of Las Vegas, Nevada,
- Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and
iced tea hadn't been invented.
- There was no Mother's Day or Father's
- One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read
or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high
- Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were
all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According
to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives
buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels,
and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
- 18 percent of households in the U.S.
had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
- There were only about 230 reported
murders in the entire U.S.
Just think what it will be like in
another 100 years ... It boggles the mind ...
Submitted by Al, Seattle, Ca.
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of Interesting Facts, My Little
A little girl was sitting
on her grandfather's lap as he read her a story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes
off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was
alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she
spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God
made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she said and then "Grandpa, did
God make me too?"
Yes, indeed, honey," he answered." God
made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again,
she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?
Submitted by Debbie, Walkersville,
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of Page, List of Cute Kids
Sayings, My Little
December's Brain Teasers ...
- 12 months
- 60 minutes
- 9 pigs
- He weighs meat
- He put a hole in it
- Each was the name of one of the man passing by
- A fence
- 1 sand pile
- Your father
- Joe is bald
- 1 birthday
- Electric trains don't blow smoke
If your score is ____ Your a ____
15 = Genius, 13-14 = Wise, 11-12 =
08-10 = Average, 05-07 = Dumb Ass, 01-04 = Retarded
11th Humor Page