Mitchell, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to
sneak away to the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing
his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up
for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot--won the race.
Mitchell was most interested to see what the priest did the next
race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track
as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the
forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on
the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings
and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his
blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a
horse, Mitch bet on it, and won! Mitch was elated.
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the
horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some
serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams
were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and
withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing
that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track
before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and
hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched
the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made
his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded,
"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they
won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've
lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem
with you Protestants...you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Submitted by Sister Wink, The Bronx, NY
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Jokes, My Little
If you can start the day
without caffeine or pep pills,
- If you can be cheerful, ignoring
aches and pains,
- If you can resist complaining and
boring people with your troubles,
- If you can eat the same food everyday
and be grateful for it,
- If you can understand when loved ones
are too busy to give you time,
- If you can overlook when people take
things out on you when, through no
- fault of yours, something goes wrong,
- If you can take criticism and blame
- If you can face the world without
lies and deceit,
- If you can conquer tension without
- If you can relax without liquor,
- If you can sleep without the aid of
Then you are probably a dog.
Submitted by Curtis,
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Jokes about Animals, My Little
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His
body was delivered to the mortuary.
He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black
suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful,
considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final
arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about
what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out
that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was
wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive
to leave him dressed as he was.
The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best
in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his
trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries,
she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit
money can buy for the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit
with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.
She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How
much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the
blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra
services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to
the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of
about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing
an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no
difference, as long as he looked nice...
So I switched the heads."
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