Humor Additions for Monday, September 3rd, 2001

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Mitchell, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. 

One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot--won the race. Mitchell was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and won! Mitch was elated.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

Submitted by Sister Wink, The Bronx, NY

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If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
  • If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
  • If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
  • If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
  • If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
  • If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
  • fault of yours, something goes wrong,
  • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
  • If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
  • If you can conquer tension without medical help,
  • If you can relax without liquor,
  • If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably a dog.

Submitted by Curtis, Brattleboro, Vt.

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Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary.

He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...

So I switched the heads."

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