Humor Additions for Friday, September 28th, 2001

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How to make a telemarketer regret calling you . . .
  • If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  • If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
  • If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  • This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
  • Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my goodness! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
  • Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
  • If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends .... would you be my friend?"
  • If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
  • After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
  • Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
  • Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh NO!!!" and then hang up.
  • Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME umbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
  • Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
  • Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
  • Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
  • Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
  • Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
  • Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
  • Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up .... louder ... louder...louder...
  • Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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As a schoolboy, one of Red Skelton's teachers explained the words and meaning of the Pledge of Allegiance to his class.

Skelton later wrote down, and eventually recorded, his recollection of this lecture.

  • I - - Me; an individual; a committee of one.
  • Pledge - - Dedicate all of my worldly goods to give without self-pity.
  • Allegiance - - My love and my devotion.
  • To the Flag - - Our standard; Old Glory; a symbol of Freedom; wherever she waves there is respect, because your loyalty has given her a dignity that shouts, Freedom is everybody's job.
  • United - - That means that we have all come together.
  • States of America- - Individual communities that have united into forty-eight great states. Forty-eight individual communities with pride and dignity and purpose. All divided with imaginary boundaries, yet united to a common purpose, and that is love for country.
  • And to the Republic - - a state in which sovereign power is invested in representatives chosen by the people to govern. And government is the people; and it's from the people to the leaders, not from the leaders to the people.
  • For which it stands
  • One Nation - meaning, so blessed by God.
  • Indivisible - - Incapable of being divided.
  • With Liberty - - Which is Freedom; the right of power to live one's own life, without threats, fear, or some sort of retaliation.
  • And Justice - - The principle, or qualities, of dealing fairly with others.
  • For All - which means, boys and girls, it's as much your country as it is mine.

Submitted by Dave Bolder, Co.

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Women think they already know everything . . .

But training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

  • Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
  • The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
  • Parties: Going Without New Outfits
  • Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
  • Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
  • Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
  • Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
  • Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
  • Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
  • Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
  • Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
  • Introduction to Parking
  • Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
  • Water Retention: Fact or Fat
  • Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
  • Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
  • Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
  • Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
  • Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
  • Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
  • Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
  • Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
  • Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
  • TV Remotes: For Men Only

Submitted by Crystal, Mt. Airy, Md.

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