Humor Additions for Wednesday, November 28th, 2001

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Best Blond One-liners for 2001 (part 2)
  • A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The Brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail , counting "22" "22" "22"
  • How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. 
  • Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one. You have to hollow out the head.
  • How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
  • Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
  • Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter".
  • Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
  • A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "No,can't you see I'm winning?!"
  • Two blondes were walking through the woods and they upon some tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No they look like moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
  • Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
  • A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut're next!"
  • Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
  • What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.
  • What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
  • Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. 
  • How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Submitted by Kate, San Francesco, Calif. 

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One Liners from airline pilots and flight attendants (part 2)
  • "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
  • "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
  • "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
  • And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is please to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
  • Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
  • Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
  • Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
  • After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way thought thewreckage to the terminal."
  • Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
  • A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
  • Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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