Humor Additions for Monday, November 19th, 2001

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The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement . . .

. . . and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can."

The professor said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."

The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.

The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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Andy Rooney's: "Lessons I have Learned form Life"

I've learned:

  • That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
  • That when you're in love, it shows.
  • That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
  • That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
  • That being kind is more important than being right.
  • That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
  • That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
  • That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
  • That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
  • That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
  • That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
  • That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
  • That money doesn't buy class.
  • That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
  • That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
  • That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
  • That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
  • That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
  • That love, not time, heals all wounds.
  • That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
  • That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
  • That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
  • That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
  • That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
  • That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
  • That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
  • That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
  • That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
  • That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
  • That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
  • That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
  • That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all then happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
  • That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
  • That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Submitted by Vicki, Kennet Square, Pa. 

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Great comeback lines from kids too young to appreciate them . . .

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my 3-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" 

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. 

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Submitted by Kat, Smithsburg, Md.

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