Humor Additions for Saturday, May 12th, 2001

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Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor . . .

. . . who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooosshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" 

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill......"

Submitted By Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A quick illustration of the basic problem of US government . . .
  • Pythagorean theorem: 24 Words
  • Archimedes' Principle: 67 Words
  • The 10 Commandments: 179 Words
  • The U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 Words

Submitted by Jon, Miamisburg, Oh.

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One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job – a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try!"

"Poof!" said the genie, "You're a housewife!"

Submitted by Mary, Charlottesville, Va.

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He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
  • He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
  • You can't have everything, where would you put it?
  • Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
  • I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa

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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.
  • Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • Stupidity got us into this mess... why can't it get us out?
  • Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
  • Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
  • Sign in a loan company window: "Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt."
  • People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  • It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
  • Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  • If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
  • I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
  • I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  • Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  • A day without sunshine is like night.
  • I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  • I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
  • You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
  • Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
  • Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
  • Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
  • You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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