When Bill Gates
died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his
house . . .
. . .
a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill
Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities
of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine
parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates.
"Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man
replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here.
I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill
overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre
estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a
doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new
friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so
angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him
about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give
me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a
mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I
invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve
"Well, we use
Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas,
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A young man is
wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Oriental man with a
long gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man.
"Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the man
said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on
my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures
known to man."
"OK," said the man,
thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered
Over dinner the daughter came down
the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She
was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her
eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he
ignored her and went up to bed alone.
During the night he could bear it
no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was
careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and,
near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his
chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note
on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty
crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can
do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the
boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As
he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese
Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw
the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few
broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window
after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground
he saw a large sign on the ground that read: "Chinese Torture
3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Submitted by Larry,
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